This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Elia Tyson 3 days, 21 hours ago.
February 19, 2017 at 8:55 am #12378
The discussion of “Morning Star” by J. S. B. will be held below this comment. Commence.
February 19, 2017 at 9:52 am #12380
Wow! I love this story! Have you actually drawn a map, or are you just describing the land? If there is a map, I would love to see it!
I like your writing style. It reminds me of The Prince of Yorsha Doon, Andrew Peterson’s short story. It also reminds me of Kathy Tyers (Firebird Trilogy), but I can’t figure out why. (My favorite authors are Andrew Peterson and Kathy Tyers.)
A few things you might want to look at:
1. In the first sentence I think it should be dark, not darker.
2. The last period inside quotation marks should be a comma, if you are adding “he said” or “she said” or something like that to the end. And no matter what punctuation mark you have, if it is “he said” or “she said” it shouldn’t be capitalized. You wrote it like this in a few places, but it wasn’t consistent. (It took me a long time to learn these rules… memorize those two sentences. :))
Examples: “Hi,” he said. “What are you doing?” she screamed.
3. When Farryn said it was three o’clock in the morning, did she just guess, or did they have some sort of a clock?
(There may have been more, but I was getting pretty interested in the story by the end.)
I like your footnotes, kind of On-the-Edge-of-the-Dark-Sea-ish. That sounded awkward.
So, I am trying to write a fantasy novel right now, and I’m having trouble with world creation and coming up with names. Do you have any suggestions or tips? I would be very grateful to get some help with that.
Can’t wait for more!
February 19, 2017 at 6:58 pm #12386
Thank you, Elia! Everyone else who has ever read anything of mine only comments of misspelled words. I like that you say specifically what you mean. I started writing it at one of my brother’s soccer games and it was just the first scene, so I didn’t really know where it was happening. It kind of developed from there.
When I try to name a character I either ask people for ideas or look up names. The way I found Farryn was that I was looking for girl names and found a version of it. I knew it was a boy name, but I didn’t know it worked for girls to. I decided I’d rather spell it with a y, so I did. Sometimes when I can’t find a name for a character that I like, I just throw some syllables together till I get what I want, although I’ve gotten some of my craziest names that way.
With worlds, it kind of just started with a general idea. Then I worked on writing a history of the world. Anytime I explained something in footnotes I understood it more.
I do have a map by the way. Probably about five copies of it. The next time I send out a few chapters I think I’ll stick it in, if that’s alright with you.
February 19, 2017 at 7:52 pm #12387
I like your idea of looking up names and changing them. I sort of did that with Thyrin in the Dragonkeeper Saga that I’m working on. Speaking of which, I bought a writing program called Scrivener for my iPad, and got a free trial for the computer, and the computer version has a name generator.
I can’t wait to see your map! I have the land kind of planned out in my Dragonkeeper book, but I’m terrible at drawing. Maybe I should just draw some rough shorelines and send it to someone else to fix up. 🙂
For PEACEWAR, a book that I finished writing about six months ago, I wrote about the area where I used to live in southern New Mexico. That was a lot of fun, but I can’t really do that in a fantasy novel.
February 20, 2017 at 3:36 am #12394
Thanks Elia, but my maps aren’t really that complicated. It’s pretty much a bunch of shapes that fit together. It just started out as a doodle, and then I fixed it up a bit. I can’t wait to show you. I think I’ll show you the one in my room.
I’m not that good at drawing either. I like drawing faces currently. (They don’t look like cartoon characters or like people, but I’m glad they’re recognizable.)
February 23, 2017 at 3:46 pm #12418
I have almost all of this book typed up. I have more than I sent you, but I not sure how much is too much to send. Would sending several more already be too much?
February 23, 2017 at 8:23 pm #12419
If you have more that you would like to send out, go ahead! It might be a little bit before I can send it out, though (I’m in Bangkok with the Thai family we work with and I don’t have my computer).
February 24, 2017 at 8:51 am #12421
I’m confused. Where are the writings? Thanks…. Sorry
February 24, 2017 at 9:20 am #12422
If you sign up for the Flabbit Room (email@example.com), I’ll email them to you.
February 25, 2017 at 11:26 am #12425
YAY FOR REBECCA JOINING US!!!!!! YES!
February 26, 2017 at 8:52 pm #12431
Sorry for not sending you my book yet. I have not had very much time to write this week.
February 26, 2017 at 8:56 pm #12432
Hi! I enjoyed checking out your writing! Thanks for having the bravery to post it! It can be so challenging (for me at least) to actually make that leap and show people what I’ve been working on.
I like your writer name…as a musician, I keep thinking “Johann Sebastian Bach” : )
I loved your vivid descriptions of the “stranger.” I’m wondering whether you might push some of these vivid character descriptions sooner in the story, maybe even putting this before your world description. I think people might have a tendency to get more hooked when they have a person to get excited about.
Also, I’m wondering if there are a few details that could be cut. For example, when the healer says that the stranger will be weak, and then another character confirms it—there are a few instances of this, and it might help to get your story going faster if you cut out re-statements of the same idea.
That being said, I am VERY excited about how fast you did get the story going—already interesting characters, a secret, a kingdom that you can tell isn’t quite right, a knife fight, an escape, a character who needs help, a mysterious baby—all within the first 2 pages! And I like the chapter title “The Boy in the Alleyway.” Very mysterious and makes you want to read on. A lot to get excited about!
I was a little bit confused about the timing between Faryn and Joseph’s first meeting and their second conversation in the woods. I almost thought it was one in the same at first. I wonder if you could give some interlude between their first meeting, the bit about Joseph’s history, then him and Faryn’s second conversation. Any clarity that you can add ahead of time, could help your reader to feel what’s going on with fewer words when there’s an experience that the characters would have experienced (like, Joseph and Faryn knew who the Dertains were, so, it would be ok to tell your readers ahead of time; Faryn and Joseph already felt like friends before they traveled together, so, it might be good to show that to your readers, perhaps more of why they trusted each other, etc). Maybe there’s another experience or story that they shared? That way, when you want the action to start, your readers are ready for it.
I continue to enjoy your character descriptions— the short character introductions, even the squirrels and forest animals have personality, which is fun and adds dimension to your world! : )
Oh, I liked that the warrior’s helmet had engravings of animals and humans. It makes it feel very ancient and somewhat like what you’d find at an archeological dig.
Just curious—some things seem like hints from “100 cupboards.” Is that one you’ve read recently?
Thanks again so much for writing and letting us all read it! Good job and best wishes as you travel on through this story’s world. : )
February 27, 2017 at 8:42 am #12439
Elia I was wondering if you could tell me what your characters( dragon and human) look like so I can try to draw them.
February 27, 2017 at 10:07 am #12442
Oh, thank you! I’m a terrible artist, which bugs me because when I think of fantasy books I always think of maps and illustrations as well as the story.
So. Halifax is maybe slightly above average as far as height goes, I believe he has blue eyes and brown hair (or maybe it’s dark blond). Not very muscular.
Seivyl is a little less tall and has a few more muscles. Brown hair and eyes (which usually have a mischievous glint to them).
Thyrin has blue eyes and hair that can’t decide whether it’s dark blond or golden. Not a mix of the two, but patterns or something like that.
Halimund is an angry king. Draw him however you want as long as you get that part (since his kids both have blue eyes, it doesn’t matter whether his are brown or blue or green).
Rynold has white hair (of course) and I’m not sure what color his eyes are. I’ll check next time I see him. About average height and probably fairly skinny.
February 27, 2017 at 10:22 am #12444
cool I will try to draw them the best I can. Sometimes it’s hard to get the people just right but I’ll do my best.
Also do you know what Gryfin looks like? If not i can send you some pictures of dragon I have drawn in the past. Thanks for typing back so soon.
February 27, 2017 at 11:01 am #12445
Oh, yeah, sorry I forgot about you, Gryfin.
Um… not too large, but definitely at least a little bigger than Toothless from HtTyD (which was part of the inspiration for the dragon-riding idea). Probably a dull golden color. Some sort of skin that is halfway in between scales and a tough, leathery hide.
Or whatever you think might look best.
Whenever you finish, please post them over on the Dragonkeeper thread.
March 1, 2017 at 10:20 am #12471
Wow! I am enjoying this story even more after the next two chapters. I like the introduction of Ata and Slavenis; gives it a sort of LotR feel.
I also enjoyed all of the new words and references to other languages, it makes it feel more real.
A few things to fix:
1. At the very beginning of page fourteen I think you might want to write was longer, and not were longer.
2. You might want to put a blank line between long breaks in the narrative, like before the part where it says “After several days…”.
3. I think that the “They had not had them out before” sentence on page fourteen should be deleted. You can keep it if you like, but the explanation isn’t really necessary. This is one thing that I’ve had trouble recognizing in my own writing as well, and one of the reasons I enjoy having other people help. 🙂
4. On pages fifteen and nineteen you should probably use “first language” and not “normal language”.
5. On page sixteen it said Joseph went outside. What was he in?
6. At the bottom of page sixteen it said Lynette didn’t say her name or Tiran’s name, but then it said that the stranger was surprised to hear Tiran’s name.
7. I was slightly confused as to who the names Ashinta, Asher, and Kershanè belong to when they were first introduced.
8. I think in the middle of page nineteen it should be “others’ quest”.
9. “Eventually, the northern countries had names” is confusing.
Okay, and one bigger thing:
Slavenis was as about as dark as Ata was light…. That raises theological questions. I agree in the sense that God is completely good and Satan is completely evil, but they are by no means equal. God is all powerful, and Satan is a created being. Of course, this is speculative fiction, so it doesn’t have to follow the rules of our world (even the theological ones), but some people might read more into that sentence than you intended, so you might want to clarify what you mean a little bit.
Like I said, great addition and very exciting! The growing cast of characters and trying to guess their connections is very interesting. Send more whenever you are ready!
March 6, 2017 at 9:02 pm #12503
Three thoughts from the new writing so far:
1) I think you could make your writing stronger by avoiding redundancy. Like, “Ashinta and Mandil told about themselves, and where they came
“We come from beyond here, in the bottom of Giladorm.”
There were quite a few instances of this where you could have just said something once (when they’re saying “We come from” you don’t also need to say that they said where they were from. You will get that information when you read their words).
2) I like the crazy rope idea that turns into talon- like things. That’s cool.
3) I really enjoy the name Ashinta. It has a nice flow to it.
I’ll try to read and write more comments soon! Thanks again for writing! 🙂
March 20, 2017 at 3:41 am #12658
I enjoyed the next part! I liked having my suspicions about Joseph confirmed. I’m wondering if Ferryn is the princess – his sister. Am I right or did I get off-track somewhere?
The only thing I noticed about the writing is that there are several explanation sentences that sound awkward. If at all possible, write those explanations into other sentences, or drop them entirely. I’ve had trouble with this, too, because they aren’t as obvious to the author as they are to the reader.
Good work! Can’t wait to read more!